Most days, I wake up in the morning with a vague feeling of hopelessness, a sense that I and the people around me would be better off if I was dead. That's not a cry for help, it's the truth. I accept that this feeling is a part of who I am at this stage of my life. I wish it was not so. I wish that I could wake up every morning and experience the true joie de vivre that I know a lot of people do - and I do have moments of joy that pierce through the haze. Some days, weeks and months are a lot better than others; some are much worse.
I occasionally reach the point where I graduate from feeling that "it would be better if I was dead" to feeling that "I really want to die." But, even on those days when I feel that way, I accept that this is just part of my experience. I know that the feelings will pass, and I just try to find something that distracts me from it before it gets any worse.
Some days, it gets worse. Some days, it feels like I'm standing right on the ledge, looking down.
Friday morning, I woke up with the vague sense of hopelessness - I was looking at the ledge, but I was still a ways off from it.
Yesterday morning, I walked a bit closer to the ledge. I really wanted to die, just to make the ugly, out-of-control feelings of despair stop.
This morning, after a brief stint of anger, I shut myself in the closet - literally. I sat in the dark, alone, and thought about how I might end my life.
I was afraid to leave that space, that darkness. I don't know if this is the same for others who have a history of suicidal thoughts/intentions/attempts; I don't know if, once you've been all the way out on the ledge, you're always only a few steps away. I know that it is this way for me.
My Accuser was out there with me this morning. He spoke with my voice, using words that I have used.
You fail as a father.
You fail as a husband.
You failed as a soldier.
You fail as a Christian.
You cannot stop failing. You don't even have the courage to end your life. Instead, you sit here inside a closet, hiding from the people around you. Trying to hide from yourself. Trying to hide from the enormity of your own failure.
Just do it. Find a knife. Use the pills. Have the courage to act, instead of just hiding in the closet and thinking about it.
Don't be a failure in this too.
It's amazing how often the spiritual Enemy sounds just like myself. We look so often to the world outside for a glimpse of the one called Satan, the Accuser... when I am my worst Accuser, my own mind is often my worst Enemy.
Whoever the Accuser is, he was out there on the ledge with me this morning.
I am able to write this - only hours later - because my Savior was out there too.
There's a chapter in the Old Testament, wedged into the longest of the books. It's familiar to anyone who knows the Bible, and has been near the ledge. It's the cry of a Psalmist's heart, and it has become the cry of mine on far too many occasions.
1 You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
I imagine Jesus on those days when I am still a few steps away from the ledge, with His hand on my shoulder. He is reminding me that the ledge is in front of me, but He is right behind me.
I imagine Him on those days when I have walked close enough to see the edge. He is holding my hand. I might be close to the ledge, but He is right beside me.
This morning, as I stood on the ledge looking over, I felt His arms around me. When I am intentional in my desire to die, when I am consumed by feelings of failure and despair, He is no longer content to remind me of His presence. He embraces me, He holds me, I can no longer ignore Him. It is difficult to be consumed by fear and despair when you are embraced by Love and Grace.
And He whispers in my ear:
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I need an easy yoke sometimes. I need a light burden. I need rest for my soul.
I wish I could tell you that this thing is easy. I wish I could tell you that following Jesus means an end to your pain, an end to your suffering. I wish that I could tell you that you will never see that ledge again.
I can't do that. All that I can tell you is that, without Jesus, all that I have ever found in the darkness is my own despair: a despair powerful enough to drown out the love and concern of multitudes of friends and family.
With Him - and with the continued love and concern of those friends and family - I cannot face the darkness alone. Love is always there - love that is Divine, Everlasting, Unconditional and Present. It is a Love that will not give up, a Love that refuses to let me hide from it. It is a Love that pierces through the doubt and the despair, and shines a light on the hope of a better tomorrow.
If you are reading this, I want you to know this Love. This is why I write: because in spite of my doubts, my despair, my desire to stop existing, Love has embraced me. It has pulled me back from the ledge.
Even now, I feel His arms around me. He still whispers in my ear. I hope that He never lets go.
His Love to You, Wherever You Are,
Michael Brian Woywood
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