What God Looks Like, and Why I Have a Hard Time Looking

Dear Brothers, Sisters and All Those In Between,

I am not a master of theology... I'm not even a proper apprentice. I'm what fantasy buffs might call a Novice Theologian. I haven't seen a proper trainer in ages, and I only know what I'm picking up along the way.

So, before I begin, let me thank a few people who are continuously helping me with my theology.

EJ Gonzalez of the Rangerville Church of Christ has been a long-time friend of mine, and he continues to be my friend - either in spite of or because of our sometimes fundamental differences of opinion. There is a huge gift of God in our friendship, because we can continue to love each other when words like heretic and legalistic get tossed into our arguments. That's not a human love - that's a Divine Love. So, thanks to EJ for your sometimes rather pointed observations about my theological musings, and for always reminding me to look to Scripture.

Charles Martin, Lead Pastor of my own Fellowship United Methodist Church, edifies me with his Sunday morning messages, his goofy and authentic way of praying, and his unconditional love for the people of our church and our greater community. He is my teacher and pastor, but he is also my brother and friend. Thank you, Charles, for helping me iron out some of the kinks.

My earthly father, Brian Woywood, showed me Jesus in so many ways as a child and a young man. He continues to show me Jesus in the way that he loves, forgives and corrects, without judgement or conditions. If my children know Jesus through me, it will be because my father showed me Jesus at a pivotal time in my life. (My mother was also instrumental, and I hope that no one thinks I've forgotten her.) Thanks, Dad.

On with the blog!

I'm going to start with something from the Bible, specifically something that Jesus talked about. The story (parable) comes from Luke 15, and I'll go ahead and post the whole thing here (to make it easier for anyone who doesn't have a Bible right next to them.)

¹¹ Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. ¹² The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.
¹³ “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. ¹⁴ After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. ¹⁵ So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. ¹⁶ He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.
¹⁷ “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! ¹⁸ I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. ¹⁹ I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ ²⁰ So he got up and went to his father.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
²¹ “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
²² “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. ²³ Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. ²⁴ For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.
²⁵ “Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. ²⁶ So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. ²⁷ ‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’
²⁸ “The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. ²⁹ But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. ³⁰ But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’
³¹ “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”


... this story is important. My pastor told the congregation a few weeks ago, "If you want to know what God looks like, go read Luke 15." So I did, and I was blown away. Let me tell you why.

I would really like to think that I am a good person all the time. And, for the most part, I am a really good person - I am generous with my time and my money, I am kind and respectful to everyone, I try to make friends of enemies... I mean, the list of how awesome I am most of the time goes on and on.

But, here's the problem: all that stuff is about me. I might be generous, but don't you dare respond to my generosity with anything less than total gratitude. I am kind and respectful to everyone, until someone gets rude and in my face. I try to make friends with enemies - until someone refuses to recognize my magnanimity. If you refuse to meet MY conditions, I become a blistering asshole.

And that's when I'm being nice: I have been withdrawing from nicotine for the past few days, in yet another attempt to quit smoking, and I have seen what I"m like when I'm not looking to be nice. I'm angry, impatient, sulky... I act like a 3-year-old child who is not getting his way. Of course, afterwards I feel really awful about it and go out of my way to be nice again... but the monster is always there, lurking, waiting for the next opportunity to appear.

In short, I am actually not a good person. If you are a really good person - you know, the kind that gives of yourself willingly and without a hint of grudge, who never has a bad day or passes by a person in need with indifference - I want to hang out with you and learn from you.

If, on the other hand, you are like me... then, let's talk.

The parable... Son (you and me) decides that he knows better than Father (God) how to spend the family money. So, he goes out into the world and does really wonderful things with this financial investment, right?

NO. He squanders it. Half the family fortune is spent on hookers and card games, and it gets so bad that the son is now living in a pigsty.

That's what I do with God's gifts. I squander them. God gave me a gift for writing, and what is my first instinct? Writing scathing commentary on people's Facebook statuses, belittling people. God gives me a gift of a wonderful family... and I ignore them, preferring to pursue my interests. I have a gift of stable finances, and instead of investing that money, I waste it on stuff. I go to restaurants and eat twice the amount that I need for a meal, while there are people starving on the streets of my city. I spend a small fortune to go see a movie about heroes solving problems... when there are actual problems to be solved in the world, and I have the brains and the means to help.

(If I seem like I might be overstating the case for my own depravity... you might be right. After all, I don't do the killing or the raping or the robbing, so I'm probably all right. But, this thing that we're all called to - discipleship - is about so much more than just not doing the things that we know are wrong. It's about doing the things that we know are right.)

Back to the parable... so, the son is living in a pigsty, probably eating feces (or at least sleeping in them), and he says, "Man, I could live better than this as a servant in my father's house. I'm going to go back and apologize, and hope that he'll accept me as a working man."

Again, we stop for a tangent: most people decide to call on God when they are at their worst, and that's okay! That's exactly the right time to call on God. I mean, He'll take your call whether you're happy, sad or indifferent... but Jesus is the Savior of the Broken and Destitute. He loves you whether you're living in a penthouse or in a PILE OF PIG CRAP.

And we always want to crawl to God, don't we? When we're hungry and smelling of feces, we don't want to walk proudly, with our back up... but we still have that pride. It's not the haughty kind of pride, it's the "I'm going to earn my way back into my Father's graces." kind of pride. We know that we're not worthy of being accepted back, but we're going to prove that we're worthy, we're going to do stuff for God. We will serve Him, but we just want to do the servant thing. After all, we still smell like pig crap.

The next part of the story blows my mind.

The Father sees his son from a long way off, and he runs to him. He runs to this wayward child, who still smells like a bathroom, and he embraces him.

And that is what God looks like. The son had this speech ready, he was going to stand downwind and tell him how unworthy he was... but then he was going to do stuff to earn his way back to his father's grace. BUT, before the son can say a single word, here comes Dad in a clean robe, probably very well made, and he's hugging him and kissing him. Dad was watching for him, watching so hard that he saw his son from a long way off. The Father's joy at having his son home overpowers the son's feelings of unworthiness.

And the son gives it a try. "I have sinned against heaven and you..." So, there is definitely sorrow and repentance... but it was just the act of coming home that caused the Father's joy and acceptance. The Father won't hear anything about his son being a servant - he calls for the best clothes, a feast, the best cow to be slaughtered. The Father is celebrating, because his son has come home. He thought the son was dead; instead, he's alive. He was lost, but now he is found.

Amazing Grace.

There are a few really important points to the end of this story, and since I've been sort of flailing along with my commentary, I will try to make my conclusions a little more Methodist-y.

1) Repentance is all you need. This might be confusing for some of you who read my last blog post that said All You Need Is Jesus. I stand by that earlier point... but I probably failed to point out that Jesus calls us to repentance. (Read my earlier point about being a Novice Theologian.) What this story points out about God is that all that was required of the Prodigal Son was to turn around (the actual meaning of repentance) and come back to the Father. It really didn't matter about the smell or what was covering his face - the Father was already looking for him to come back, hoping that he would come back. He was so anxious to see His son again, that He spotted him from a long way off.

We may think we have the perfect plan to turn our life around, to clean ourselves up and come back to God... but our plans don't matter. Repentance matters. This brings me to my next point...

2) God's Grace matters more. There is nothing that you or I can do to stop being children of God. We are His children because He has called us His children. Whether we live in His house with Him, or in a PILE OF PIG CRAP apart from Him, we don't stop being His children. The only decision that we have to make is whether to continue to live apart from Him, or to come home.

3) Not all of God's children will be happy to see you. The very end of the story has the Righteous Son, or Responsible Son, getting really... butthurt by the way the Father is so welcoming of the Prodigal. I mean, the Prodigal smells like crap, he's wasted all his Father's money on whores and card games - all while the Responsible Son has been doing the back-breaking work of managing his Father's estate. Nobody has been patting Righteous Son on the back for his good deeds... and Prodigal Son gets a party the minute he returns.

So, there's a prod there at Righteous People who really want others to clean up and prove themselves before they get God's overwhelming grace. But, there's also a lesson about love... because the Father doesn't tell Righteous Son to shut up. He doesn't call him a self-righteous hypocrite, or any of the other nasty names that I have been guilty of calling Righteous People. The Father says, "You are always with me, and everything that I have is yours... but your brother who was dead, is alive again. He was lost, and now he is found." Moral of that part of the story? The "Righteous People" may not always appreciate God's Grace for those of us who smell like crap... and He loves them the same as the rest of us.

So, by now I'm sure that you know why I titled this blog What God Looks Like... but now it's time to tell you why I don't want to look at Him.

I really, really need Grace... but I am one of those that has lived in a pile of crap for years. I knew about the Grace of God from an early age, but I never, ever wanted it. Grace was for those people who didn't know how to do stuff for God. I didn't need Grace, I was one of the Righteous People... but I was even better than the Righteous People, because I didn't think of myself as a Righteous Person. I thought of myself as ugly and undeserving, not worthy of God's Grace...

It was all pride. I was just like the Prodigal Son: even in my filth, I really thought that I could still do stuff to measure up to God's Righteousness. And, even when I came back home, when confronted by the joy and the grace of my Father... I had to look away. I couldn't accept it... until I realized that I wasn't worthy of it, I wasn't unworthy of it, it JUST WAS. Grace was there, waiting for me, watching for me... my worthiness or unworthiness didn't even enter the equation. I was always a Child of God, I will always be a Child of God... I just have to accept a fact that already exists. I just have to come home.

It is my sincere and earnest hope that you will come home, too. Whether you are clean and well-dressed or filthy and bad-smelling, I hope that you will turn around and come to experience God's Grace. And when He is looking at you, with love and joy in His eyes, I hope that you don't look away. I hope that you look right back at Him, and know what it feels like to be His child. Always.

My Love to You, Wherever You Are,

Michael Brian Woywood
Saved By Grace
Walking in Faith